My brain is soup. Actual, chunky, potato-and-leak soup. I think a part of my consciousness just detached, floated out of my ear, and is now orbiting the Earth, screaming. I just finished *Sky Sharks*. I rented it on Amazon Prime Video. I think I need to ask Amazon for my $4.99 back but also... I kind of don't? I don't know what I am feeling right now.
It started. And for the first five minutes, I was like, "Okay, low budget horror, I get it." And then the ice broke. And the fin came out. Of the ice. In the arctic. And then the Nazi zombie riding the fin popped up. I laughed so hard I had to pause it. My dog, Buster, just stared at me from his bed, head cocked, like I was having a stroke. I wasn't. I was having a revelation. A stupid, stupid revelation.
NAZI. ZOMBIES. RIDING. FLYING. SHARKS.
That's the movie. That's the whole movie. And it's somehow more than that. It's also about... family? And genetics? And a team of elite soldiers who look like they were rejected from a *G.I. Joe* audition. But mostly it's about the flying, undead, fascist sharks.
There's this one moment. It's burned into my retinas. One of the main characters, this scientist lady, is watching a video of her dead father, who was one of the original scientists on the project. And he's explaining the whole insane backstory, and he says, with a completely straight face, "They are not sharks. They are the perfect Aryan weapon." I literally threw a pillow at my TV. I had to. It was a physical impulse. The sheer, unadulterated confidence in that line, delivered over grainy "found footage" while a CG shark does a loop-the-loop in the background... it's the most insane thing I've ever seen. Why is that the part that’s stuck in my head? It makes no sense. It’s so stupidly, beautifully, gloriously nonsensical.
It reminded me of when my parents took me to the Baltimore Aquarium as a kid. I was obsessed with the shark tunnel. Felt like I was underwater with them. It was majestic. The way they moved, so ancient and powerful. And now all I can picture is one of those sand tiger sharks gliding by with a ghoulish Nazi on its back, giving a little Heil Hitler salute. My childhood is ruined. Thanks, movie. I can't even look at a can of tuna the same way anymore. I remember I had this little toy shark, a rubber one, and I used to make it attack my Lego men... and now that feels way too real. I need to go find that toy and burn it.
And the practical effects! I thought they were awesome. The gore, the exploding heads, it was all so squishy and real in a way that CGI rarely is. But now that I'm typing this... was it actually kind of dumb? Was it just rubber masks and ketchup packets? Probably. Did I care in the moment when a zombie's head exploded like a Gallagher watermelon? Not at all. I was cheering. I am a simple man, and I enjoy simple pleasures, like watching Nazi zombies get chain-gunned off the backs of flying sharks. I thought I loved that part, but now that I'm thinking about it... the logic was just... gone. Vanished. Like the plot's common sense.
And watching it here, on my couch, in the dark... it's the only way. If I saw this in a theater I think the shared insanity would have made my head explode. Here, I could pause it every ten minutes to just process. To look around my normal, boring living room and confirm that, no, there are not undead fascists soaring past my window. The remote control was my anchor to reality. I must have hit the pause/play button a hundred times, my thumb slick with butter from the popcorn I made. (Which felt like a violation. Eating popcorn while watching something this transcendentally dumb felt like drinking champagne with a hot dog. But I did it anyway.)
So yeah. I don't know what I just watched. A masterpiece of trash? A symphony of stupid? A work of accidental genius? My brain hurts. I need to watch something normal. Like a documentary about toast. Or paint drying. Just something without sky sharks. God, the words "sky sharks." I'm never going to forget them.
5/10. I think. Don't listen to me. My judgment is compromised.
-Alex
Trailer English - https://youtu.be/Hu_-H3DQo7A?si=XoawPZXvyL8o_91B
Trailer Hindi - https://youtu.be/1DNif_QZu2E?si=cR8CPsfslt6R1mw_
EXPLANATION hindi - https://youtu.be/h3iSwHePQHw?si=IuxY-ttjs0pOhBUk
EXPLANATION tamil - https://youtu.be/EC9CDge6p0I?si=ispicjqyA6pI6kqZ
EXPLANATION telugu - https://youtu.be/5aSxZLl3-Z0?si=1l4dGm-K8mh3nu2l