The Naked Gun (2025): A Physical Assault
The Aftermath
Okay. My lungs actually hurt. I think I pulled a muscle laughing. Or maybe it was from jumping out of my seat. Both. Both happened. Just got back from the Cineplex and the world still feels a little… wobbly. That bass was turned up so high my soda was vibrating on the little cup holder. Every single dumb sound effect, every single Wilhelm scream they crammed in there, it was like a physical assault. A good one? I think so? My ears are ringing.
The New Frank Drebin
So, the new *Naked Gun*. Right. It’s… a lot. They really did it. They went there. I’m still processing. The guy they got to play Frank Drebin, whatshisface, he’s not Leslie Nielsen. Nobody is. Nobody ever could be. But he’s got this perfect, vacant, golden retriever energy that just… works. He’s trying so hard. You can see the effort in his eyes, which makes it even funnier when he accidentally causes a seven-car pile-up trying to parallel park.
| Aspect | Observation |
|---|---|
| The Actor | Whatshisface (Not Leslie Nielsen). |
| Energy | Vacant Golden Retriever. |
| Signature | Trying too hard (in the best way). |
| Result | Accidental seven-car pile-ups. |
The Masquerade & The Fish
There was this one moment. It’s stuck in my head. He’s infiltrating a villain’s masquerade ball, right? Classic. And he’s in this ridiculous penguin costume. The camera does this super slow-mo, dramatic push-in on his face, like he’s having a profound thought, and he’s just… completely still. And in the reflection of his giant, plastic eyeball, you see the henchman sneaking up behind him with a giant fish. It was so stupid. So perfectly, beautifully stupid. I leaned forward so hard I almost knocked over my popcorn. The whole bucket. The buttery kind. It would have been a tragedy.
The Cinema Experience
The butter was weird tonight, by the way. Too salty. Kept making me chug my Coke, which was already flat. (Note to self: stop getting the Coke from the fountain near the exit. Everyone touches that one.) The guy next to me, this dude in a business suit who clearly did not want to be there, spent the whole movie on his phone. The light from his screen was so distracting. But then during a chase scene—a chase scene involving a runaway Zamboni and a pack of angry geese for some reason—I saw him put his phone down. And he smiled. Just for a second. It felt like a victory. For all of us.
| Element | Status |
|---|---|
| Popcorn Butter | Too salty. |
| The Soda | Flat, but vibrating from bass. |
| The Neighbor | Business suit guy (on phone -> smiled). |
| Sound Level | Physical Assault / Ear Ringing. |
The Zamboni & The Donut
That Zamboni scene though. I thought I loved it. It was pure chaos. Ice shavings everywhere, geese honking, Frank trying to use a donut as a steering wheel. But now that I’m typing this… was it actually kind of dumb? Like, just noise for the sake of noise? I don’t know. In the theater, with the screen so big it felt like the Zamboni was coming right for me, it was hilarious. But in the cold light of my phone screen, at 9 PM, maybe it was just… a lot. A lot of CGI geese.
| Chaos Element | Details |
|---|---|
| Vehicle | Runaway Zamboni. |
| Obstacle | Pack of angry CGI geese. |
| Steering | A donut. |
| Physics | Optional. |
The Remote & The Freezer
It’s making me think of that time my uncle tried to fix our TV remote by putting it in the freezer. He said it would "reset the electrons." We all just stared at him. He was so confident. He reminds me of Frank Drebin. That absolute, unshakeable confidence in face of absolute, certain failure. God, we never got that remote to work again. Had to get up to change the channel for a year. A whole year.
The Sound Design
Honestly, the whole thing felt like a fever dream. A very, very loud fever dream. The sound design was insane. Every footstep, every fart noise, every single little thing was cranked to 11. It’s like they assumed the audience was deaf and wanted to make sure we FELT the joke. And I did. I felt the joke in my bones. My sternum is vibrating from that final explosion. The one that was just a champagne cork popping but they treated it like the Death Star blowing up. The whole theater shook. Or maybe that was just me shaking from laughing so hard. Or the five Red Vines I ate. Hard to tell.
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Conclusion
I don’t know. My brain is mush. It was too much. But also, maybe, not enough? I need to watch it again. But not in a theater. I need to watch it on my couch, where I can pause it and process the sheer idiocy of a man trying to defuse a bomb with a rubber chicken. Yeah. I need that.