Okay. Deep breath. It's 1:47 AM and my brain feels like it was just put in a blender with a giant lizard and a dude who speaks exclusively in grunts. I just finished Monster Hunter on HBO Max and I think my ears are ringing. My couch is littered with popcorn crumbs and I think I spilled a little bit of my soda when I literally JUMPED out of my skin about an hour in.
So, like, the movie starts. And it's just Milla Jovovich being Milla Jovovich, right? Tough military leader, yelling commands, all business. Then WHOOSH. A giant sandstorm. And I'm sitting here on my couch, thinking, "Okay, standard desert military movie, got it." But then the ground starts moving. And I mean *moving*. And this THING. This Diablos. It just erupts from the sand like the world's angriest submarine and I physically recoiled. My feet came up off the floor. My cat, who was sleeping peacefully on the armchair, gave me the dirtiest look I have ever received from a living creature. Worth it. That scene was pure chaos. Just tanks flying and soldiers screaming and this massive horned monster that looks like it was designed by a ten-year-old hopped up on sugar. It was awesome.
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And then there's that one shot. The one that's just stuck in my head. After they get transported to the New World, they're walking through this desert, and they see it. Half-buried in the sand. A ship. But not just any ship. It's a GIGANTIC, old-fashioned galleon, like something out of *Pirates of the Caribbean*, but it's the size of a city block, just sitting there in the middle of nowhere. The camera just lingers on it. The scale is just... insane. It makes no sense. It's completely impractical. But it looks so cool. It perfectly sets the tone for the rest of the movie: "Logic? We don't need no stinking logic. We have giant ships in the desert."
Honestly, the plot is held together with duct tape and wishful thinking. Something about a tower, and a sky, and a gateway between worlds. It doesn't matter. It really, really doesn't. You're not here for a compelling narrative. You're here for Tony Jaa roundhouse-kicking a monster in the face. You're here for Milla Jovovich strapping two giant knives to her back and looking like she's ready for a rave at the end of the world. And on that front, the movie delivers.
There's this whole bit with these giant spiders. The Nerscylla. They're all stringy and creepy and they come out of the dark and they just swarm everything. It reminded me of this one time when I was like, seven, and I went to take a bath and there was this huge, hairy spider just chilling in the tub. Like, it was having a spa day. I screamed so loud my dad came running in with a broom, thinking there was an intruder. He just looked at the spider, then at me, and started laughing. He scooped it up with a cup and let it outside, but for weeks after I'd check the tub every single time before I even thought about getting in. Anyway, the spiders in the movie were way worse. Way, way worse. They make webs and trap you and... ugh. No thanks.
But then you have the Hunter, played by Tony Jaa. The man is a legend. He has like, three lines in the whole movie, but he doesn't need them. He communicates with his fists and his feet. And then there's the Palico. The cat dude in the little armor. He shows up and he's making these little "meow" sounds and he's helping them cook and I thought it was the most hilarious, charming thing ever. But now that I'm typing this... was it actually kind of dumb? Was it just a video game mechanic dropped into a movie with no context? I don't know. I was riding high on monster-fighting adrenaline at that point. My judgment might have been compromised.
The whole viewing experience was just... weird. I was at home, on my comfy couch, which is usually my safe space. But I had the volume cranked way up to hear the dialogue over the sound of my own apartment's creaks, which meant the explosions were literally shaking my living room. I kept pausing it to check my phone, to look up what a Kulu-Ya-Ku is (it's the rock-bird-thing, by the way), to get more popcorn. It broke the tension, but also added to the surrealness of it all. It's like watching the most expensive, nonsensical fever dream of your life, but with the ability to pause for a bathroom break. Which is a feature I definitely utilized during the spider scene. Don't judge me.
Ron Perlman shows up for like, ten minutes total. He's got this crazy beard and armor and he's the Admiral, and he's clearly having the time of his life. He chews the scenery so hard he leaves teeth marks. And I loved every second of it. It's completely unnecessary to the "plot," but it's Ron Perlman fighting monsters. You don't question that. You just accept it and enjoy the ride.
So, yeah. Is it a "good" movie? By traditional metrics? Absolutely not. The character development is non-existent. The story is a thin excuse to get from one monster fight to the next. The dialogue is so functional it's almost invisible. But did I have fun? Oh my god, yes. It's a video game movie that actually feels like you're watching someone play a video game, in the best possible way. It's loud, it's dumb, it's visually spectacular, and it's over before it wears out its welcome. I think. My brain is still a little scrambled.
Anyway, I'm done. My cat has forgiven me and is now purring on my lap, which is a good sign that the immediate danger has passed. Time to try and sleep and probably dream of being chased by a giant angry sand-worm.
6/10 - decent
- alex