My face hurts. Like, physically hurts. I think I pulled a muscle in my cheek from laughing. It’s 1:47 AM and I just got back from the cinema and I think I’m still a little bit deaf from the surround sound. My friend bailed on me last minute, so I went alone. Don't judge me. I’d been seeing the posters for *Panda Plan* for weeks and I just… I needed it, you know?
So there I was, in this giant, half-empty theater, with a bucket of popcorn that was bigger than my head. The previews were all for these super serious, dramatic Oscar-bait movies, and I was just sitting there like, "Just get to the bear, please." And then it started. And oh dude. Oh, dude.
It is exactly what you think it is. It is somehow even dumber and more brilliant than you could possibly imagine. The plot is… I mean, does it even matter? There's a panda. He has a plan. There are some bad guys with hilariously bad Russian accents. The plan involves a lot of acrobatics and a surprising amount of property damage. That's it. That's the movie.
And I was 100% there for it.
There's this one moment. This one, single, perfect moment of cinematic stupidity that I will carry with me forever. The panda, his name is Bao Bao or something, is sneaking through a fancy mansion. He's wearing this tiny little black ninja mask, which is just… it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. He comes across this big, burly henchman guarding a door. The henchman is all tough, flexing his muscles, whispering into his walkie-talkie. And Bao Bao just… picks up a tiny porcelain figurine of a poodle from a nearby table. He looks at the henchman, looks at the poodle, and just *chucks* it at the guy's head. It shatters into a million pieces and the guy just goes down like a sack of potatoes. No sound effect. Just a tiny *tink* and then a thud. I lost it. I absolutely lost it. I was wheezing. I was crying. I think the two other people in the theater were judging me so hard but I could not stop laughing. I think I snorted.
It refinded me of this one time in college when I tried to be all smooth and impress this girl at a party by, like, juggling some empty bottles. I'd never juggled anything in my life. I thought, "How hard can it be?" I picked up three beer bottles, tossed them in the air, and immediately smashed all three of them on the floor. The whole party just went silent. I just stood there, surrounded by glass and my own shattered dignity, and was like, "…Ta-da?" Anyway. The panda's aim was way better than mine.
But honestly, now that I'm typing this… was it actually a good movie? Or was I just so desperate for something dumb and fun that my brain just switched off? The human actors were trying, I guess. You could see the desperation in their eyes, trying to act like a talking, kung-fu-fighting panda was a completely normal thing to be interacting with. I thought I was having the time of my life, but now that I'm thinking about it… was the dialogue just a series of terrible puns? Yes. Was the villain's masterplan idiotic? Absolutely. Did I care for even a second? Not at all.
The whole cinema experience was key, though. Seeing that panda on a giant, three-story-high screen, with every little fart and rumble amplified by the bass… it was epic. At home, on a laptop, this movie would be nothing. It would be forgettable. But in that theater, with my sticky floor and my overpriced soda, it was a religious experience. I was a disciple of the Church of the Panda Plan.
So yeah. My brain is mush. I feel like I just mainlined pure, uncut silliness. I don't regret a single second. My face still hurts from laughing. I'm probably going to have dreams about ninja pandas tonight. And you know what? I'm okay with that.
Whatever. I need to sleep this off.
7/10. Go see it with the lowest possible expectations and a friend who laughs at stupid stuff. Or alone. No judgment here.
- solid